friendship
what makes a stable foundation for friendship & romance
When it came to choosing friends, I often lacked a foundation in which I knew who I wanted to be surrounded by, which often led me to became friends with anyone that I seemingly “clicked” with.
In turn, I felt as if I cheapened myself and neglected my potential, which took a grand toll on my self-esteem and confidence.
With intent, I’ve recently taken some time away from friendship as a means to re-center myself and understand myself better.
I feel as though it’s vastly important to take a step back in your life as such in order to know yourself better and to become better aligned with your true desires.
Undeniably, I felt closer to an authentic self than I ever had when taking some time to merely be with my own presence.
Overtime, I’ve opened up more to strengthening my social world again. However, obtaining new friendships isn’t as simple as it used to be in middle school, and ashamed as I am to admit this…I grew desperate and exhausted of solitude.
Recently, I had an opportunity to rekindle and old friendship with one of my cousins. Mind you, we are not similar by much, and even then, I, knowing that she is not someone who I aspire to embody, planned a day to hang out with her to hopefully strengthen a friendship.
I dreaded each second coming closer to the day…as an innate introvert, this is usually normal, but deep down, I also knew this was a bad idea to follow through with…
The next day, I cancelled plans with her and defeatedly accepted solitude once more.
I recently listened to an episode of my favorite podcast, Anything Goes, by Emma Chamberlain titled, friendship. Emma started speaking on how she was in a similar situation as I, coming fresh out of a much-needed time out from the social world, and was ready to build new friendships.
Throughout the episode, she explains her foundation she’s created to revert back to when seeking such relationships.
It never occurred to me that I never had a foundation of my own…which made me realize why I’ve often felt so lost all these years even when I had friends.
With my cousin, I was about to cheapen myself once more…and perhaps lose all the progress I’ve made in growth over the last couple years.
As always, inspired by Emma Chamberlain, and to maintain my value/growth, I’ve made a list of qualities that I’m currently looking for in a friendship:
Someone who knows themselves
As someone with a history of borderline personality disorder, I have a vastly sensitive sense of myself.
And when I find myself around someone who is uncertain of themselves, I feel it, and it often makes me fill of deep tension, distorting my equilibrium, and can cause me to lose the very ground beneath my feet completely.
Overall, I feel as though it’s important for anyone who’s taken a moment to ground themselves to find friendship with those who’ve also taken a moment for internal work, otherwise your progress may be lost entirely.
Similar morals/values
Recently, I’ve come to believe that someone’s character is defined by their morals and values — how they choose to journey throughout life, how they treat others, and what they cast their attention to.
That being said, having similar (not entirely the same) mannerisms in morals/values creates a deep connection, even more so than having similar interests would; having similar morals/values becomes the foundation beneath our interests that remains stable regardless of nuances.
For example, the notion that love isn’t enough.
Personally, I think it is — this plays a part in my morals/values.
I think love is enough because I see it more than just a mere sentiment, but more so as a manner of acting.
When there is an issue, perhaps contrasted interests, you handle the conflict with love — tenderness, openness, and kindness.
Though, if I became friends with someone who believed that love wasn’t enough, they may approach conflict/contrast more close-minded than I might have.
Lastly,
Someone who inspires me
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room.
— Lorne Michaels
Looking back at all of my past friendships, I never had ones that inspired me to be better in life or as a person, and overtime, these friendships felt lifeless and dull.
Life is movement, and growth, and vulnerability as such, without it, life ceases to exist altogether.
I don’t expect to find friendships with people who are “living their best lives” and “living to the fullest,” but I would want someone who has a broadened horizon, someone that can teach me things, show me new ways of seeing/thinking…someone who could help me build on the foundation I’ve already started to build within myself and make it stronger.
Recently, alongside friendship, I’ve been thinking about romantic relationships…
As dazed behind rose-colored lenses as I am, I would love to be in a relationship right now, but unfortunately, am emotionally drained to my core.
Not only so, but I also started to realize that I’m not merely looking for someone to be my boyfriend at this time in my life, but someone that could be my potential husband…a potential father to my future babies — I’m not simply choosing someone for myself, but others in my future as well.
This realization kind of closed the door a little more of me being opened to a relationship at the moment due to a romantic relationship’s demand of emotional work that I can’t currently get myself to sustain.
However, when I was writing in my journal of my friendship foundations, I began to feel as though perhaps friendship is a stable foundation for a romantic relationship, which can put ease on the emotional aspect of it; similarly, as having a stable foundation within yourself can open the door to better suited friendships with ease.
